"The God who knows and guides me" (based on Psalm 139, Psalm 8 and Hebrews 6:19 - 20)

For the director of music. A psalm of Harry

Lord my God, you deserve all of my thanks and praise

For you are the God who sees me

You are the God who knows me

And you are the God who loves me

Searching the world for anything that could fulfil my longings

Has only left me disappointed and destitute

Like a deer panting for streams of water

And finding nothing to quench that thirst

From a young age I sought after satisfaction

Many a time I thought I had found what I sought after

And was crushed and left brokenhearted

Was I wrong to be seeking such things?

If only I had known that my search was futile

At least as long as I searched here below

My eyes were fixed on things temporal

And not on things eternal

But Lord, your Spirit turned my gaze upward

And assured me that my search for solid joys

Was not a chasing after the wind

But was a search that could only be fulfilled in you

For who else can know me like you know me?

Who else searches my heart like you do,

And yet loves me despite all my iniquities and wrongs?

Is there anyone like you?

Who else has been with me even before the time of my birth?

Who else has seen me in my simplest form

When I knew nothing, saw nothing, felt nothing?

You knew me before I existed at all

What am I that you would even be mindful of me?

Why should you even care for me?

I am but a tiny speck in the fabric of the universe

A lowly and insignificant man in the universal scheme

Life for me is but a breath

But you are the one that always was, always is and ever will be

You are the one that gave me my first breath

And you are the one that sustains me till my last

Why is it that the God of all the earth

Would care to know my name

And even live as a lowly human to enact empathy

For one so useless as I?

What mind can fathom the works of your hands?

What heart can perceive the thoughts of the Lord?

They are beyond all imagination

Beyond anything within human reason

Lord, in all of life’s mysteries  

You have provided for me an anchor for my soul

Steadying me when my sails are caught by furious squalls

That threaten to steal me away

Lord, though my heart may at times waver

I know that in you my hope is firm and secure

And that you are all I need

For life, for health, and safety

Search me Lord and know my heart

Test me and know my anxious thoughts

See if there is any offensive way in me

And lead me in the way everlasting

Approaching the throne of grace (based on Hebrews 4:14 – 5:10)

For the director of music. A psalm of Harry. To the tune of “Before the throne of God above”

Lord, your glory is high above the heavens

Your majesty is matchless

Who can compare to the glory of the Lord?

Who can enter his presence and not perish?

His rule is endless

And his throne endures forever

For God alone is the Creator

The Lord alone is uncreated

Who else can say “there was never a time when I was not”?

Who else can always say “I AM what I am”?

Without beginning or end of days

Our great God reigns

Yesterday, today and tomorrow

Past, present and future

While all human powers and dominions come and go

Rulers and kings rise and fall

Governments and authorities established and destroyed

Laws, statutes and regulations enacted and abolished

Yet the Lord, his law, his rule and his dominion

Will never see an end

Behold the throne of God!

Who can stand in his presence?

Who can bear to see him and live?

His glory and majesty, none can share

And yet there was One

With no beginning or end

The very essence of God himself

Who took on the very essence of man himself

Who stood before the throne of God above

And put before him my plea for mercy and grace

There is no other Name

By whom we can approach the throne

For there is no other who has been tempted,

And yet remained sinless

Where Adam fell, he rose to the challenge

Where we all stumbled, he continued to walk in the light

Our pleas alone cannot be heeded by a perfect God

For our pleas are tainted and warped by sin

But the plea of the Righteous One,

Our God in human flesh,

His plea alone could suffice

For his plea alone is perfect

When I failed to revere God and submit to him

Christ showed unswerving devotion

And submitted to God the Father

Saving “not my will, but yours be done”

Through his suffering he showed perfect obedience

And bore our pain that we might live

That we might approach that everlasting throne

And not have to fear his retribution

For the everlasting throne, a place for mercy

So “arise!” I say to my soul

For I know now that I need not fear

For his perfect love has driven out my fear

And his grace remains with me

Reflections

It's been a long time since the last post... And all I can say is that God is amazing, and it's crazy how far God has brought me in these past few years!

Just a few reflections:
God often has strange ways of doing things, but he works through all sorts of things, even strange people like myself (1 Corinthians 1:18 - 2:5). I've been seeing a whole lot more of my own weaknesses, but I know that at the same time the only one I need to please is God, and he's already pleased because of what Christ has done

Being in a close relationship with someone really allows you to see a lot more of your sin. I've certainly seen a lot more of my own ever since starting a relationship with Shirley, and I'm sure marriage will bring this out even more. But looking forward to what's in store nonetheless!

Rest is an amazing gift from God. It reminds me that this world will end one day, and that all the difficult times will be left behind. Rest reminds me that God is the one in control. It allows me to sit back and watch the hand of God at work. It reminds me that I am absolutely powerless in the whole scheme of things, but that God has included my in his work nonetheless. And what an amazing privilege that is!

The Church is an amazing creation, as it is the body of Christ, and carries out God's work in this world. Being a part of it is a tremendous privilege and amazing joy even though the church we currently see is so imperfect. But I look forward to seeing how God will bring his good work into completion :)

The mind is a powerful tool, and can be so easily affected by outside influences of this world that can lead me astray. The heart is also deceitful, and mine's certainly got a lot of issues that need to be dealt with. Thank You Holy Spirit for working on it :)

I Pray...
That in understanding my own sin much more, I will learn more about how deep God's love really is in forgiving me for my sins, and how great was the sacrifice of His Son (Romans 5:8).

That in view of God's mercy I may lay my life down as a living sacrifice for my great God (Romans 12:1)

That my love may abound more and more in the knowledge and depth of insight so that I may discern what is best and may be pure and blameless on the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God (Philippians 1:9-11)

And... I pray all the same for my lovely fiancee, and for the whole church of God - all my brothers and sisters - those I know and those I have yet to meet one day :)

A Heart to Heart Talk

For a while now i've been praying for my mum to be more open-minded about our faith. Although she was the one who brought me to church as a child and although she goes to church almost every week (including Bible studies once a week), I've always felt that her Asian values (family and study) have been higher priorities than God. The problem was that I didn't know how to talk to her about these things.

After getting back from Japan, I told her that I may want to go back to Japan eventually to do ministry. She wasn't thrilled at all, and she strongly opposed my proposal, guilt tripping me into re-thinking it. Still, in many ways I still feel that I'm getting some kind of calling towards ministry either here or there, neither of which she is happy about. Recently she's been pointing out how hard things have been for my pastor and his wife, trying to convince me that the life is super difficult and she'd be super worried about me doing something like that. So this was kind of out of the blue, but after i got home today, we somehow got into a conversation about my future. Here's kinda what the conversation was like:

Me: So mum, you remember me telling you about the exam that I thought I failed? Well actually... I didn't do so badly at all
Mum: See? I didn't think you'd actually fail!
Me: yeah i'm really relieved
Mum: Why don't you consider doing something like Pastor Chow (a pastor who comes to preach at our church occasionally - he's a lawyer / pastor)?
Me: I think Pastor Chow is just super smart, that's why he's able to do something like that. I've been struggling through my whole law degree and i've barely got anything to show for it. If i were to do law for the rest of my life i'd be killing myself!
Mum: Okay, then what else can you do? Can't you go and do English teaching like you said? Or isn't there something else you can do?
Me: Mum, we've been through this, I know what I want to do - I want to get into ministry. It's just that you don't want me to.
Mum: Look at how hard it is for your pastor and his wife!
Me: Is it really that bad?
Mum: Yeah, I mean look at how things are with them
Me: Things probably aren't as bad as you make them seem. Anyway, when she married our pastor, she knew what she was getting herself into. And I know that the full time minister's life is not easy, but I don't want my life to just be easy! I know you're worried about me and I really appreciate that you've raised me and care so much for me, but my life is not in your control.
Mum: Okay, well if you do end up in ministry, I don't want you to move outside of Australia.
Me: Mum, I know you're really worried about what might happen to me if i were to leave Australia, but again you can't control what happens to me. God is the one who is in control! And i want to do His work, though i don't know where that will take me.
Mum: I'm not trying to control you, i'm just telling you about the reality. To be in full time ministry you have to sacrifice too much.
Me: You ARE trying to control me. When you say that you want me to stay and then make me feel guilty for it, you are trying to control what i do. And i know you do that because you care for me, but the reality is that you just can't control what happens to me. I don't want my life to just be easy, and i know that life will be difficult, but it's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make. Don't start thinking that I don't care about you and the family. Of course I care about the family, but if God wants me to do something then I want to follow that path.

In the end, she seemed to concede a little unwillingly, but she seemed okay with it, so i'm really thankful that i could have that little conversation with her. I mean i still don't know where God will take me, but wherever He wants me to go, i want to be able to say "yes" with no restraints. In Luke 9:57 - 62, Jesus approached a man and said to him "follow me", but the man wanted to bury his father first, and Jesus told him “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” A friend from Credo reminded me about this passage today, because she was talking about a sermon one of the staffworkers preached yesterday. I think that fits in perfectly to this situation I'm in. To do the work of God, I will have to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything - even family relationships which are the most important thing in asian culture (and also back then in the Jewish culture actually). I guess i'm slowly figuring out what it means to sacrifice as I experience opposition from my parents.

I guess i really have it easy though. I have a mother who is loving and understanding (although she worries way too much). Next i'll need to have a proper talk with my dad about all this - and that conversation might not be so easy... But i'm praying that his heart will be ready to hear it.

If anyone else is reading this, please pray for God to work in my dad's heart :) He's not a Christian and he resents the fact that i'm not using my law degree and instead pursuing something that probably will not make me enough money to support a family.

It's all in God's hands.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"

My plans seem to have changed quite a bit over the past 2 years. Before I went to Japan I had very little idea of what i would end up doing as a career. Halfway through my year in Japan I found that I kinda enjoyed English teaching, and so i thought it might be cool to do the JET (Japan English Teaching) program for a while. That's a 2 year contract to teach English in one of the various schools placed in various locations. More importantly, I did not want to waste the Japanese language (and perhaps cultural) skills that i gained over the years, and I thought perhaps God wanted me to use that gift and the passion to serve Him by eventually going back to Japan as a missionary. Before i left Japan i told my friends there that i was planning on going back to Japan in about two years so that I could teach English and do ministry. The plan was to finish my law degree, and then perhaps work for a year, and also do a course in TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages). When i got back to Australia i still had those thoughts, and i had to convince my mum that it would be okay. After the devastating earthquakes and tsunamis in Japan, my mum fiercely opposed my going back to japan even though my plan was 2 years in the future. Still, she did have some effect on my decision making.

About one or two months after my coming back, i was asked by Kian (senior staffworker for FOCUS at UTS) if I wanted to do a ministry apprenticeship at FOCUS after i graduated. Previously i hadn't really thought about doing that, but when he asked it really got me thinking... Previously the pastor at my church also asked me if i wanted to get into full time ministry eventually and he encouraged me to think about doing that at my church. I was thinking... maybe this is what God actually wanted me to do eventually. I thought and prayed for a while, and eventually I made the decision to take up Kian's offer. So last week I met up with Paul Winch (campus director at UTS Credo) and i signed the contracts for employment. And it looks like i'll be on full-time ministry at FOCUS next year :) I'm really really looking forward to it! But to think that in a few months my plan could change so quickly...

Last week I was thinking and praying about what to do next year. Since i had signed the contracts for full-time employment with FOCUS for the next 2 years, that was set in stone. But then i was also thinking about doing TESOL part time to keep myself busy and to make the most of the time next year. But after lots of praying and consulting, i decided that it would be better to focus on ministry at church and at FOCUS. Next year is going to be an amazing opportunity to serve and to grow, and i just don't want to waste it! In more recent times i've been thinking much more about how i can make my life a pleasing sacrifice to the One who gave up so much for me. It's so easy to just stay in my comfort zone and live as a mediocre Christian, but i no longer want that. God has blessed me with so many good things, and it's Christ's love that compels me to serve. I don't want that love to be wasted.

Just yesterday I met up with a bunch of Japanese friends, including Shige - the KGK (the Christian uni student group in Japan) staffworker who was sent here for Bible college and ministry. I also met the daughter of some missionaries who lived in Japan for many years - the Smiths. I spoke to Naomi (the daughter) and Shige about my plans for the next two years, and my plan to go to Bible college eventually. However, both of them made me think about how i can be serving in Japan. Shige wanted me to go back as a fellow staffworker at KGK, and Naomi already seems to have plans to do something like that, even if it's just short term. The reality is that KGK staffworkers are very scarce, and they really need a lot of help. Perhaps God is telling me that He wants me to help out in the uni ministry there? I mean over the past 5 years i've learnt just how valuable uni ministry really is, and for the next two years I'll be working in uni ministry as well. God has been using all sorts of things to tell me how important it is to have good uni ministries, and my time in Japan taught me just how small the uni Christian groups are in most places. There really is a huge need, and perhaps God is telling me to go and fulfill that need... But in all honesty i'm rather afraid because my Japanese language ability is nowhere near good enough for me to be a staffworker at KGK. But i know that i can study hard to make up for that... There's yet another thing that i need to think and pray about some more. Is this what God wants me to do eventually? Does He want me to go to Japan and work there as a staffworker?

I know that the plans i have made for the future may change because God may have something different in store for me. My plans have changed several times in less than two years, but God's plan is perfect and eternal. I would be a fool to forget that He is the one who is in control! And so I entrust this life to my Lord and Saviour - the One who died for my redemption, and brought me back into His family, giving my life meaning and a purpose - and sending me out to do what He wants me to do.

I pray that God will use me to bring His Gospel to the people all around me, and that I will not disappoint Him.

Where do you want me to go, God?

Wow...

I just realised that i haven't blogged since two months before i left Japan :0 I didn't even blog when i got back! I guess things have been quite all over the place since i got back, but the last 8 months since i got back have been amazing... although i'm struggling through the last few subjects in my law degree, things in life have just been so crazy and awesome :) And i'm thanking God everyday for all the blessings He's raining down!

I should blog more... yes i should! I think i just might... just might record some of my thoughts here and there. I mean there's probably no one reading this anyway but this is probably a nice place to collect my thoughts anyway :) If someone ends up reading this then that's awesome too :D

Two Months!!

I've been saying this a whole lot recently, but my time here is really running out! Out of the two months left i have here, about 2 of those weeks will be spent traveling, so really i'm only left with about a month and a half left! And with that month and a half, quite a large part of it will be taken up by my assignment, which is due at the end of january... no to mention that near that time i also have exams and presentations to do! Well, okay i'm actually not stressed about that at all, but the thing is, i don't have much time left! So i wonder, what does God want me to do with the rest of this time? How best could i use this time to glorify His Name?

Before i came here, one of my goals was to create strong relationships with the people i meet here. In a way i guess i can say that i have achieved that to some extent. I feel that i have been able to make some pretty good friends this year, and i praise God for that! It's also been a year full of awesome experiences, and God has taught me so much, and i thank Him for allowing me to enjoy my time here so much! He's blessed me so much, and i feel so completely undeserving of it all...

Anyway, here's a little update on what's happened in the past week!

So it's December now, which means that Christmas is drawing ever closer! So on tuesday, a Christian korean dude came to our uni for a little concert. He's actually a pastor now, but he could have been a famous singer if he wanted to. He had the offer a while back, but he realised that he didn't want to be making money in that way, and the only music that really made him feel at peace was Gospel music. He could have become rich through singing if he wanted to, but he chose to use his talent so that the word of God may be spread - free of charge. It's so amazing meeting people like that - people who give up the successful life so that they may use their talents for Christ's sake. He doesn't know very much Japanese, so the pastor of the nearby korean church (the church i went to KOSTA-Japan with!) was there to translate. It was a short concert, and only about 20 people turned up, but it was a really nice time - beautiful music and talks about why Christmas is celebrated and all. Awesomely encouraging! :D Praise God for awesome missionaries :)

On thursday night, a couple of us exchange students watched "Facing the Giants" together. Pretty awesome movie! I was moved to tears the first time i watched it (though not as much as Fireproof, which is by the same dudes who directed this movie!), and my friend from Bible study said she'd lend it to me so i could show it to my friends. So that's what i did! About 8 people watched on the night, but only about 4 really paid attention... still, those that actually paid attention really liked the movie. They said they were really moved by it! Out of those 4, three of them are non-Christians, and one of them is a chinese girl who has recently become very interested in Christianity. Praise God that i have these opportunities to minister to the non-Christians around me! And please pray that i will use the rest of my time here to be a good witness to the people here! :)

Just yesterday, that same chinese girl came to our Bible study group for our Christmas party, and although she was rather late, she seemed quite keen on mixing with the others there. Also, one of my Japanese friends - a church goer but non-Christian, came along. He doesn't seem very keen about Christianity at all though... so please pray that his heart may be more open! We lent Facing the Giants to him, so hopefully that will be an eye-opener for him!

I'm also getting my little bro to bring fireproof over so that i can watch it with the people here. Please pray that that will go well!

Today was the second time i did my testimony in Japanese, but since the last time i've tweaked it quite a bit. Praise God that it went well, and the people at my church were able to hear it and be encouraged by it!


The kids at my church are SO cute! Today we had the kids' Christmas concert, where our pastor had a short sermon directed to the kids, and the kids also had a couple of items. I couldn't really do much, so they asked me to be the "curtain opener / closer" LOL! I know it's a small role that could have been filled by anyone, but i think they just wanted me to get a little more involved in some way that didn't require me to use my fail Japanese! :)

Lately there have been a whole lot of birthdays, dinners and outings, and it's been rather hard on my wallet, so please pray that i may be wise with how i spend the money God has given me - that i may be generous towards others and not look to spend so much on myself!

And now I'm off to another birthday dinner, which should be good fun :) A little sleepy, but i'm sure the winter cold will give me a bit of a kick!