For a while now i've been praying for my mum to be more open-minded about our faith. Although she was the one who brought me to church as a child and although she goes to church almost every week (including Bible studies once a week), I've always felt that her Asian values (family and study) have been higher priorities than God. The problem was that I didn't know how to talk to her about these things.
After getting back from Japan, I told her that I may want to go back to Japan eventually to do ministry. She wasn't thrilled at all, and she strongly opposed my proposal, guilt tripping me into re-thinking it. Still, in many ways I still feel that I'm getting some kind of calling towards ministry either here or there, neither of which she is happy about. Recently she's been pointing out how hard things have been for my pastor and his wife, trying to convince me that the life is super difficult and she'd be super worried about me doing something like that. So this was kind of out of the blue, but after i got home today, we somehow got into a conversation about my future. Here's kinda what the conversation was like:
Me: So mum, you remember me telling you about the exam that I thought I failed? Well actually... I didn't do so badly at all
Mum: See? I didn't think you'd actually fail!
Me: yeah i'm really relieved
Mum: Why don't you consider doing something like Pastor Chow (a pastor who comes to preach at our church occasionally - he's a lawyer / pastor)?
Me: I think Pastor Chow is just super smart, that's why he's able to do something like that. I've been struggling through my whole law degree and i've barely got anything to show for it. If i were to do law for the rest of my life i'd be killing myself!
Mum: Okay, then what else can you do? Can't you go and do English teaching like you said? Or isn't there something else you can do?
Me: Mum, we've been through this, I know what I want to do - I want to get into ministry. It's just that you don't want me to.
Mum: Look at how hard it is for your pastor and his wife!
Me: Is it really that bad?
Mum: Yeah, I mean look at how things are with them
Me: Things probably aren't as bad as you make them seem. Anyway, when she married our pastor, she knew what she was getting herself into. And I know that the full time minister's life is not easy, but I don't want my life to just be easy! I know you're worried about me and I really appreciate that you've raised me and care so much for me, but my life is not in your control.
Mum: Okay, well if you do end up in ministry, I don't want you to move outside of Australia.
Me: Mum, I know you're really worried about what might happen to me if i were to leave Australia, but again you can't control what happens to me. God is the one who is in control! And i want to do His work, though i don't know where that will take me.
Mum: I'm not trying to control you, i'm just telling you about the reality. To be in full time ministry you have to sacrifice too much.
Me: You ARE trying to control me. When you say that you want me to stay and then make me feel guilty for it, you are trying to control what i do. And i know you do that because you care for me, but the reality is that you just can't control what happens to me. I don't want my life to just be easy, and i know that life will be difficult, but it's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make. Don't start thinking that I don't care about you and the family. Of course I care about the family, but if God wants me to do something then I want to follow that path.
In the end, she seemed to concede a little unwillingly, but she seemed okay with it, so i'm really thankful that i could have that little conversation with her. I mean i still don't know where God will take me, but wherever He wants me to go, i want to be able to say "yes" with no restraints. In Luke 9:57 - 62, Jesus approached a man and said to him "follow me", but the man wanted to bury his father first, and Jesus told him “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” A friend from Credo reminded me about this passage today, because she was talking about a sermon one of the staffworkers preached yesterday. I think that fits in perfectly to this situation I'm in. To do the work of God, I will have to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything - even family relationships which are the most important thing in asian culture (and also back then in the Jewish culture actually). I guess i'm slowly figuring out what it means to sacrifice as I experience opposition from my parents.
I guess i really have it easy though. I have a mother who is loving and understanding (although she worries way too much). Next i'll need to have a proper talk with my dad about all this - and that conversation might not be so easy... But i'm praying that his heart will be ready to hear it.
If anyone else is reading this, please pray for God to work in my dad's heart :) He's not a Christian and he resents the fact that i'm not using my law degree and instead pursuing something that probably will not make me enough money to support a family.
It's all in God's hands.
